Changes

It's been a long time since I posted last, but we had the busiest eight months of our lives, so at least have a good excuse;) Since September when I think I posted last, a lot has happened. We had some great holidays with family and Bella lost a lot more teeth! We kept thinking that the boys were going to go back, so we didn't expect to have them for the holidays but the judge kept post-poning sending them back, so we gave them a fun holiday with presents and playing in the snow, sledding etc. The girls went ice skating for the first time and didn't like it as much as they had hoped. No big surprise there. I ended up getting them the walkers for the ice and sped around the ice pushing them in it. They loved that, but didn't like actually doing the work themselves. We spend a lot of money and didn't stay long (sigh). In January we got a wake up call when a dear friend from church died unexpectedly and re-evaluated our lives. Loss is difficult, but when you know that person loved Christ with all their heart and see how many people that person impacted by sharing their faith, it inspires you and comforts you. Shortly after that, I went to Florida with some old friends who I don't see near enough and had some good girl time. The weather was beautiful and the experience was priceless. Although having the boys with us was a gift, it was also incredibly stressful. With the stress of the boys and the shock of losing Deb, I ended up having an attack of Meniere's. For those of you who don't know what it is, it is a problem with a nerve in your ear that causes sudden extreme vertigo, hearing loss, pressure on the ear and head among other symptoms. I had only had bouts of this with my pregnancies because it can come on with hormonal fluctuations too. Becuae I knew I wasn't pregnant, I was surprised and unprepared to handle the extreme exhaustion the disease brought with it. I ended up traveling to and from Florida feeling very bad, but when I came home, the stress with the boys' birth family got worse and worse and that coupled with having five social worker changes in eight months made us fed up with the whole foster care system. I am still trying not to be bitter with the experience we had. The last social worker we had was useless and I never felt like we had any support at Bethany. We could tell horror stories about everything we went through, but I know that God called us to be a part of these little boys' life for a reason, even if it was only temporary. He showed us so many amazing things through it all, that we would never have seen if we had not experience it all. We learned so many valuable lessons that only God can teach us and believe me, I needed them, I'm a pretty stubborn person and wouldn't have learned them any other way! We said good-bye to our little ones a month ago (Feb.) and at first I tried to stay very busy with house projects so I wouldn't think about these little babes who felt like my children, but then when things slowed down it got very difficult. My heart is very heavy. People, now, come up to me and want to talk about it, but I don't think they realize how painful it is and that it's like asking me about a child who has died. I am grieving and I don't know when it will pass. I'm praying that time will go quickly. Two years ago we had heard about what a huge need there was for adopting orphaned children and Aaron and I decided to look into adoption of foster children, but what we learned during the process, was that there really aren't any children available for adoption under Bella's age that didn't have serious problems emotionally or physically. They have many teen-aged children and sibling groups and so we thought we would try a sibling group. When we got the call from Bethany who had come to the end of their rope trying to find someone to take the boys, we thought, "sure - we'll take the boys and see what it's like to acclimate a sibling group into our family" since Bethany said it would be a temporary situation until family members could get licensed. After our long ordeal, we decided that adopting children into our home from the foster system took too great a toll on us as well as our girls. Our girls are still so young and when the boys left they were relieved and so happy to have us back to themselves. Natalie didn't get a lot of one on one attention, because I had two toddlers who demanded so much of me. Don't get me wrong, I will treasure all those hugs, kisses, and "I love yous" for the rest of my days on this earth. I loved being a mommy of the two best little boys in this world. Sometimes I can't even catch my breath when I realize they are gone, but I see how much my girls missed, because my hands were so full that I couldn't take them to gymnastics or swim lessons, couldn't read to them or work on a lot of school work. A lot of things fell through the cracks in our lives and it wasn't the greatest for our marriage either. I have the greatest husband ever and I'm thankful that he allowed us to try adopting, but I think that God used this situation to let us both get on the same page with what we wanted for our future and see that wasn't his plan for us. We have spent the last ten years of our lives working on our family and we are emotionally, physically and financially spent. I can't keep putting my family's needs last to achieve the big family that I've always wanted. After all the heart ache of the last ten years, I can look at my girls and finally feel closure and be content with the our family of four. I am thankful that I have a new found appreciation for our lives and I can look forward to our futures instead of looking back at all that we have been through. God has given us a peace that surpasses all understanding and I never knew what the was until we grieved the loss of many miscarriages and foster children. I consider myself incredibly blessed to see all the miracles that God has bestowed upon us. God is good - God is ALWAYS good!

C

It's a Crazy Life

Hello friends and family that still tune into watch our lives unfold! Most of my friends don't keep up with their blogs anymore, but I use mine as a diary of the children's lives, so I will try to be faithful about updating as much as possible. Well, since I last blogged, a lot has happened. It seems like a million years ago. Aaron was gone all summer and that was really difficult with trying to get into a new routine with the boys we foster and then learning how to juggle four children, two of which were into everything. It was a tough struggle in the beginning and there were some days that I didn't know how I was going to get through it all, but we survived. What I didn't realize, was how hard it would be to do your normal activities with four children. Going out and about with a baby, toddler, preschooler and 6 year old was near impossible, which meant we stayed home a lot and that left me feeling very lonely. All my friends were going to the beach etc. and those were things I couldn't do by myself and it was very depressing. I forget how isolating it can be to have a baby in the house again. I tried to keep the kids busy playing in the baby pool, slip and slide and on the swing set. Bella said it was the best summer ever, because she got to love on the baby, which made her summer, but Natalie and Hova argued about everything and fought over toys all day long. That has gotten a lot better in the last month. Our foster boys have grown so much in so many ways. It's been fun to be on this journey with them. The baby learned how to stand, walk, say a couple of words and gained 5 teeth with us. Hova is almost two and he's been a blast to watch. His first sentence was "I Wub u", which was said to Aaron over skype while he was gone. He loves having a daddy around and eats up "guy time." He's gained so many words and everything has become so much clearer. Every day that they are here we love them even more. When they leave, which I think will be in December (it's tentative) it will be hard to say good-bye. I don't know how professional foster parents do it. All the hugs, cuddles, "I love yous", and when they lay their head on your shoulders when you hold them - wow, what a reward, but how painful at the same time. We started out with the boys thinking it would be a very short stay before they were placed with family and then it was indefinite and even though we would like to adopt them, we always knew it wasn't an option. After everything we learned through this process, Aaron and I have decided to not to seek children for adoption that have already had their parental ties severed. I don't know what the future holds for us, but if it means that it's just the four of us, I think we will be content with that.

Bella started second grade a couple of weeks ago and she loves it. She loves her teacher and her closest friend from kindergarten is back with her in second grade and she's made lots of new friends and is very happy. She just turned seven on Friday and she had a tea party for her birthday. Everyone that was invited, showed up, so it was completely crazy here that night. 12 screaming girls hyped up on sugar and excitement. I've never seen such excited girls!!!! Aaron's mom let us borrow her huge tea set and we did sandwiches cut in cute flower shapes and lots of pretty candy decorating the table. I actually succeeded in making Bella's teapot cake, which was a huge relief. I had planned lots of games, but the girls wanted to have more of a play date, so we left some time at the end and they had a blast. I think next year we will skip an actual party and just plan a giant play date for the girls.

Natalie started preschool at Learning Ship and loves school too. We miss Mrs. Jenny at gymnastics preschool from last year - she is a wonderful christian woman who is blessed with the gift of teaching young children. Nat's new teachers are Mrs. Anne and Mrs. Sue and Bella had them back when she attended Learning Ship. Mrs. Anne is the most beautiful person inside and out that I have ever met. I truly feel God's presence when I am around her. I feel very blessed that Natalie gets to be in her class this year.

Right now things are crazy but good. We take the boys for visits with their bio parents twice a week, Bella is in school full time, Nat has school three days a week, we have small group, I have Bible study, the girls have AWANA and I watch my neighbors's son once a week. It's nice to have Aaron home again and things back to semi-normal. Happy fall everyone:)

Big Changes

Well, Bella is now a second grader! I can't believe that first grade went so fast. She had a wonderful teacher and a wonderful year. I loved reading with her class every week and watch them all blossom into such good readers - I will miss the kiddos too. She has a great teacher lined up for next year and her two best friends from kindergarten are in her class this year, so she's very excited about that. The girls loved gymnastics this year and have gotten very strong. Natalie finished her 3's preschool with a great report card. Apparently she's not as naughty for other people as she is for me;) We have started family bike rides, now that Bella is more confident. She's been able to ride since she's four, but she was deathly afraid to do it, so she only road when we made her, but after riding down the street crying "I hate riding bikes - you are so mean", she suddenly got very brave and now asks us to go for rides;)
We were finally certified for foster care/adoption about two weeks ago and in one week, I think we got four calls! It's sad what a need they have for fostering children. We accepted the fourth call and last Friday night, we picked up our two foster sons. They are 8 months old and 19 months old and they are brothers. It's been a challenge, that's for sure. We haven't had a baby in the house for three years, so we had to put the crib back together and get out all the baby clothes and toys and bottels, etc. Luckily I don't have a lot of stuff sitting out for little ones to get into, but we still had to modify things to keep them safe. We have a crawler and a runner! The older one gets into everything, so I am exhausted by the time I go to bed. They told us, that it would be a temporary placement, but I'm starting to wonder how temporary this will be. A bunch of family members had expressed interest in taking them, but no one has called back to get them. Aaron leaves for six weeks next week. Things liking getting groceries and still seeing my friends is worrying me a bit. I'm really juggling with trying to not let my kids slip through the cracks, while I am running around taking care of the little ones. We have only been up three hours and everyone is fed, changed (twice), had coloring time, school work time, computer time and story time. I might tackle taking them out to play in the back yard, but it's so humid out. Luckily the baby is taking his morning nap and the kids are playing well together. Bella of course, is trying to mother him and wants to do everything, which is very helpful and Natalie wants to help, but she' more in the way when she helps. When we got them, we had no instructions on their needs, so we were a little over-whelmed at first, but we have already fallen into a routine, which is great. They are two very happy boys. Please pray for us as we continue to transition. When you parent your own kids, so can be way more layed back. I'm constantly trying to keep them safe and when they are these ages, they are so top heavy, they are constantly hitting their heads. I pray that I will relax more with them! I hope everyone is having a great summer.

Nat's 4th birthday and Easter

We started my birthday in April with an 85 degree day and a week later we had an inch of snow on the ground - crazy! Natalie's birthday was after mine and her theme this year was princesses. She invited all her family and told everyone that they had to dress up like kings and princesses. Most people wore crowns or dresses or even both (thanks family). She was so excited about her party this year, she was telling everyone she met, from the postal carrier to the ladies at the grocery store. Most of her presents had to do with the theme, but she got a scooter from my parents that she's been riding around the house all week and her grandpa Combs made her a rocking chair. She was very blessed this year! Easter was quiet this year, we are spending it at home where it's nice and quiet. We haven't had enough family time lately, so it's just right. The girls got up at 6:30 today - they are usually great sleepers, but they couldn't wait to see what the Easter bunny brought them, so I woke up to two little girls screaming in my ear that the Easter bunny brought them Lalaloopsy toys! I wanted to see their faces when they saw their baskets for the first time, but I didn't predict they would get up that early. We usually have to wake them up for Easters and Christmas'. It's so fun watching them get to experience all these holidays and the joy that it brings them. They know the real reason why we celebrate Christmas and Easter - if you ask them, they will give you a detailed description of why these holidays are so amazing, but there's no reason that they can't have the same memories that Aaron and I had of waking up on these special days and the magic that it brings. Happy Easter everyone - may you all be thankful for the price that Jesus paid on the cross for everyone of us. We love you!

Lessons In Life

With the death of Grandma Combs came the lesson of life and death with our girls. Aaron and I tried very hard to explain how useless our bodies are when we die and that when we are believers, we go to heaven and don't need them anymore - also explaining to them the process of visitations, funerals and burials. Grandma's funeral was beautiful and so many people sent beautiful arrangements of flowers. Rockford Baptist put together a wonderful luncheon as well. I thought I had explained everything to the girls well enough until the pall-bearers started walking away with the coffin and then Natalie started crying "where is my Grandma?" and "I can't see her - Grandma Grandma". Everyone that was within ear-shot started crying harder. That was the rough part for me as well. Every time a loved-one passes it feels like the world will never be the same and it isn't. The day after the funeral Bella came down with influenza and was sicker than I have ever seen her for eight solid days. Then in the middle of that Nat got it for four days, but not too bad. Then after Nat, I came down with it as well. Can I just say that I will never go without the flu shot in my life again? It has been over a month and I am still coughing. I didn't know it was possible to feel that sick and not die. Thank you to all my small group who brought me dinner while Aaron was gone and to Jess who brought me groceries and to Jenn who brought my kids to church for me! Thank you to my momther-in-law who spent 24 hours at the house so I could stay in bed. What a blessing you all were to me. I will forever be greatful! March 4th my grandma Roath turned 90 and we headed to Joliet for a quick trip of 6 hours to celebrate with her. All the family that could attend, went to church with her that Sunday morning and then we all went out for brunch. It was such a gift to see the joy that all of us brought to her when we surprised her at church. She is one of my favorite people on this earth. She is 90 but she says she feels the same as she did 30 years ago. She still lives in the house that the kids grew up in and is still active in her church. I am so thankful to God that I still get to have her as my grandma down here for a while!
The kids are doing good. Bella does great in school and when we spoke with her teacher at conferences she described her as an old soul, which made me feel happy, because that's what we have always said about her too and it makes us feel good that with so many kids in the classroom, that her teacher has taken the time to get to know her. I feel so blessed that Bella has had nothing but beautifully sweet teachers since preschool! What I also love about Bella is her imagination. It's so neat to listen to her play with Nat or by herself because she comes up with some of the best stories. She constantly cracks me up. I still miss her everyday when she is at school. She's taking swim lessons right now, so I feel like between that and AWANA, she's busy until bedtime. Natalie hasn't had confrences yet, but her confrences are going to go totally different than Bella's. Natalie also has a wonderful teacher at gymnastics preschool. She has to be a saint to handle Nat - she can go from crossing her arms accross her chest and giving you the stink eye, to hugging you with a big smile and telling you she loves you in half a second. Mrs. Jen is going to get a special crown in heaven for dealing with our sweet little handful:) Right now she's into princesses. She wears her dresses from the time she wakes up until she goes to bed and when she has school or church and I make her wear actual clothes she throws quite a fit. We all play prince to her princess and she makes up dance with her constantly. Her naughty of the month is when Bella is getting in trouble for something, Nat is right behind us telling us how much she loves us and how wonderful and perfect parents we are. She learned how to suck-up really early in life;( Everyone who gives her love is her best friend, but if you ask her who her bestest friend is, it's Aunt Carrie. She's loving her swim lessons too and her funny for this month is: the other night I was talking to her and she was hiding behind the curtains. When I asked her what she was doing because I could not hear her talking, she told me "be quiet - I'm talking to Jesus about something very important". I wish I could remember what was so important, but it has escaped me now. That's why I write this blog. Someday I am going to compile it into a book for the girls and I, to remind us of this funny little journey we are on together. Well, spring is here and we can't wait for summer weather where we can be out in the garden and the swingset. I hope spring is finding you all well!

Grandma Combs

Today we lost Grandma Combs. She's been sick for a long time and although we are happy that she is in peace and no longer in any pain, we are grieving her loss. She was an amazing woman. She was a strong, loving Christian woman. She had polio as a small child and wasn't expected to make it. She defied the odds and made it through with only a limp to distinguish her. Because of her battle with polio, she was never able to run and jump like everyone else. Aaron and I picture her running through heaven without any pain, meeting her parents and siblings and her two babies that she lost. Although she is Aaron's biological Grandma, I couldn't love her any more if she were my own. They lived in Rockford and they were the first family that welcomed me into the family in 1997. We spent lots of time there while we attended Grand Valley. They were a home away from home and they loved me with open arms. Please pray for all of us as we learn how to live in a world without our "Matriarch".